Repairing and Rebuilding Trust in Marriage Author:Hsiu-Yun Tseng, Wen-Yi Shieh
Research Article
Being betrayed by a spouse having an affair is a traumatic experience. Some people choose to divorce, whereas some choose to stay in the marriage. For those who choose to stay, rebuilding trust becomes a critical challenge to overcome. When the trust in intimate relationships breaks down, relationships can be greatly damaged. Therefore, the ability to repair and rebuild trust is essential in couple relationships. This research aimed to explore the strategies that Han Chinese women in Taiwan use to repair and rebuild trust in their marriage after their husbands have affairs. The researchers were also interested in the existence of any cohort differences among the participants, especially after changes in the Volume of Kinship of the civil law that brings more gender equality in Taiwan like married women do not need to change her last name to her husband’s. Using purposive sampling and snowballing methods, eight female participants were recruited. Three were in their sixties and five were in their forties. They all experienced their husbands having an affair and chose to stay in their marriages. In addition, they underwent the challenge of rebuilding trust in their marriages. The researchers first used three scaling questions that asked participants to rate their trust in their spouse, trust in themselves, and trust in their relationship at three different timepoints (before the affair, after the affair, and at present). The researchers discussed changes in the scores with participants during the interviews. Semistructured in-depth interviews were conducted to understand how participants faced the crisis of losing trust, reexamined their marriage, and reevaluated their commitment to their spouse and marriage, as well as what actions they took.
Friedman’s two-way analysis of variance by ranks was used to analyze the scores of the three scaling questions. The results revealed that the affairs seriously threatened the participants’ trust in their spouses and relationships. Regarding trust in themselves, no evident change occurred in scores before the affair, after the affair, and at present. During the interviews, the researchers attempted to further clarify four aspects: (1) reevaluating marital commitment; (2) taking specific actions to rebuild the marriage; (3) creating opportunities to repair and rebuild intimate trust; and (4) examining cohort differences in female subjectivity in a patriarchal society.
Regarding the reevaluation of marital commitment, the researchers first examined how the participants evaluated the costs and benefits of staying in or leaving the marriage, and their decision to stay was further investigated. One major reason was the wife’s understanding of the affair and the husband’s regretful attitude and willingness to return to the marriage. Another major reason was the wife’s thoughts on marriage after the affair, such as (1) being unwilling to let go of her marriage and/or being unable to accept divorce; (2) returning to the original intention behind marrying her husband; (3) staying married for their children and family members; and (4) wishing for a good ending, which reflects the Chinese value of believing that harmony in a family brings success in all areas of life.
Regarding specific actions to rebuild the marriage, the first was the husband’s changes after the affair, such as (1) being willing to admit his mistakes and promising not to hide things or keep secrets from the wife; (2) exhibiting a sincere apologetic attitude and compensational behaviors such as additional participation in housework, expressions of love toward the wife, and spending more time with the family; (3) stopping the affair; and (4) actively changing his behaviors to demonstrate commitment to the marriage, such as coming home on time and calling home when there is any change in his schedule. Regarding the wives’ changes after the affair, at the personal level they seemed to (1) choose to accept and express their own emotions; (2) exhibit more self-acceptance and self-acknowledgment; and (3) trust themselves again. At the relational level, they would (1) cease or avoid damaging attacks and blame toward their husband; (2) share their feelings more freely and treat their husband with kindness and tolerance; and (3) actively choose to trust their husband again. At the social level, they might (1) seek support from family and friends; (2) seek professional help; and (3) expand their social networks to distract themselves and gain resources.
Regarding the creation of opportunities to repair and rebuild intimate trust, the couples (1) changed their original negative communication and interaction patterns; (2) expressed appreciation and thankfulness toward each other; (3) reframed what happened and found new meaning in the affair; and (4) chose to forgive and recommit to each other.
Regarding cohort differences in female subjectivity in a patriarchal society, all participants expressed the importance of acknowledging and valuing their female subjectivity. They also emphasized the value of self-acceptance, self-acknowledgment, and self-empowerment. However, differences still existed between the older and younger generations. For the three participants from the older generation, their husbands had affairs that each lasted more than 10 years. Two participants actually signed divorce papers, but because their husbands did not agree they remained in the marriage. Both had careers and earned more than their husbands did, but because of the cultural value of being a faithful wife and mother and belief in not showing family scandal in public, they chose to save their family’s face and remain in the marriage. Not much power equality existed in these three marriages. However, because the women’s husbands were willing to return to the marriage and repair the relationships, the wives chose to exhibit acceptance, forgiveness, and tolerance toward their husbands, and they were able to rebuild trust in their marriage. The younger generation, because of their superior gender awareness, seemed to be more proactive in expressing their feelings and opinions. Among the five younger participants, three chose to get divorced after discovering the affair. Two of them later remarried the same man, and one was currently living with her ex-husband but had not registered to remarry. In regaining sexual intimacy after the affairs, the older participants seemed more passive and conservative; by contrast, the younger participants exhibited more interest in regaining sexual intimacy.
Finally, the researchers proposed three suggestions for helping professionals: (1) when helping clients clarify the reasons for leaving or remaining in a marriage, professionals must help them not only consider personal costs and benefits but also examine the situation from the perspectives of family and culture; (2) regardless of whether a couple chooses to divorce or rebuild their marriage, professionals can help betrayed partners shift their focus from the betrayers to themselves. Rebuilding one’s self-trust and understanding one’s value and resources can help a betrayed individual to gain courage and power, which are helpful for communicating with a partner to rebuild trust in each other; (3) when helping couples rebuild their marriage after an affair, the present researchers believe that discussing sexual intimacy is beneficial in later stages. Taking cohort differences into consideration, helping couples talk about their needs, expectations, hesitation, and resistance in sexual intimacy can be helpful for rebuilding their marriages.
Repairing and Rebuilding Trust in Marriage
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